1. Confidently piss the bed the night before. It's bound to make everyone laugh.
2. Open presents that aren't yours and then describe them. I tend to use words such as 'rubbish', 'lazy', 'derivative' 'poor'.
3. Shit yourself as the turkey is being passed around.
4. Tell your family how many people you have slept with since last Christmas. If you haven't slept with anyone, describe your last wank.
5. Set fire to the Christmas tree.
6. Buy younger siblings inappropriate gifts. I myself prefer BB guns, whiskey, or prostitutes.
7. Ask to be excused from the dinner table, claiming an urge to use the bathroom. Once inside, masturbate whilst looking at yourself in your new Christmas clothes.
8. Polish off at least a bottle of whiskey and claim to have taken 8 paracetamol, instantly earning you a ride in an ambulance.
9. Make yourself sick.
10. Tell any younger family members Santa is real, but fucks children.
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