revealing the truth hidden behind that palm tree over there.

In this post i will air the truth behind 5 of the biggest and most controversial celebrity deaths.

1. Elvis was found dead in his bathroom having apparently died from an cocktail of drugs. This is untrue…the brutal truth is that Elvis was cleaning his teeth, gelling his quiff and having a poo and sadly died of doing too many things at once. CAUSE OF DEATH: MULTI-TAKIUS OVERMAXIUS

2. Michael Jackson's rumoured cause of death was also a drugs overdose. But the real truth is that Michael was bouncing on his bed like the little kid he fucked, i mean like the little kid that he was, and severely twisted his ankle. CAUSE OF DEATH: TWISTUS ANKLIUS

3. Steve Irwin was apparently killed as a result of a stingray's barb through the chest. This isn't true! What really happened was Steve was racing a shark for 8 australian dollars when he did a wee in the water which was against the 'code of the ocean' which ironically pissed the shark off. CAUSE OF DEATH: ANGRYUS SHARKIUS

4. Marilyn Monroe has various conspiracies as to how she passed away. Some say the mafia killed her, others say it was an act ordered by the then president of the USA John F Kennedy to cover up their affair. But the terrible truth is that Marilyn was simply eating a bowl of peanuts…when she was savagely attacked by a land-going squid. CAUSE OF DEATH: SQUIDIUS TO THE FACEIUS

5. Princess Diana's death is possibly the most controversial of all the aforementioned. Apparently her car crash was set up by her own royal family as they didn't like the idea of her marrying someone who isn't a christian. But the once again brutal truth is that the driver was highly under the influence of calpol, and with empty bottles of calpol flooding the footwell of the drivers side of the car it was inevitable that one of the bottles would slide beneath the brake pedal. It was also later bought to the attention of the law by a witness that the driver was hanging out the window of the car screaming "FUCKING WATCHHHHHH THIS!"  CAUSE OF DEATH: CALPOLIOUS OVERMAXIUS

Edward and the Cake Party Part IV

Edward was shocked, as Count Reamus put away his mysterious cake, and began stroking his grizzly chin, which was made of astroturf. Reamus began his story with a small speech about African Whales, and how he once fell in love with one in Barnsley. With this out the way, he told Edward that the cake he possessed in his left oversized pocket, was actually his father.
Edward, who's mind had now been flipped upside down and frisbee'd around the peak district, let out an abnormally high pitched scream, running 70 feet to his left. This was the worst day of his life.

Fin.

The morale of the story is, don't start writing a story about a dick head that goes to a cake party if you haven't thought of an ending. x

Fifteen Facts To Get You Laid On Your First Date. By Dirk W Slazenger

Right. Here are the things I've learnt today. In no particular order.

6. Left handed people are more likely to die.

3. In Spain Dogs are considered more important than women.

1. Water was discovered in May 1877 by a Polish immigrant who was looking for his Mum.

8. Eyes are important for things like driving, looking at stuff and eating.

2. The first haircut ever invented was the comb-over. This was replaced by the mullet, then the beehive and finally the centre parting. Other haircuts such as the front ponytail, mucktop, back parting and the cowshit were dismissed as lazy and derivative.

9. Noel Gallagher is the only Mancunian to earn over £20,000 per annum.

4. Cricket was discovered in 1065 in the same field as football, tennis, rugby and fishing. Golf was discovered in 1980 and nobody knows about basketball.

10. Some people are white, some people are black, some people are yellow, some people are brown and some people are dead.

5. The World Lawn Mowing Competition began in 1937 in Canada. The current record belongs to Mr Edward Syllable who in 2001 mowed 12 lawns in 7 hours.

7. Scarves are the national animal of Indonesia.

11. Men have bigger genitalia than women.

17. In 1990 a man spent four hours admiring a kestrel. On closer inspection the man discovered it was actually a billboard advertising cereal. He retired home having wasted an entire evening.

13. A man named Jesus Christ was once crucified for stealing. People celebrate his life every 5th November with a bonfire.

19. An assault on a wardrobe was once reported in Basingstoke. Passers by claimed that although the wardrobe was innocent, he had been asking for a slamming.

20. Brain tumors are caused by tight hats, long hair and baseball bats.

DIRK.

Following on in the way a carriage follows the engine on a train.

We pick up with the young man starting his journey along 'great things ahead highstreet'. With the straps of his back pack beginning to carve into his shoulders the young man is faced with a sudden decision needed to be made. Either catch the bus entitled 'fuck knows where we're going', or bare the pain of the back pack and stride onwards. The young man, over come with the responsibility and reality of the decision needed to be made panics and flags down the bus in a orderly fashion. Once boarding the bus the young man realises that he is surrounded by people he is far junior to. The adolescent boy takes his seat next to a colourless lady, in her skin colour, hair colour and beige clothing. It doesn't take long for it to become apparent that the decision he had made seemed to be the opposite to the right decision. As he passed the people having what seemed to be immense levels of fun on the side of 'great things ahead highstreet', it was announced abruptly by the also colourless driver of this nightmare on wheels that the next stop was beyond 'great things ahead highstreet'…it was the place of lost souls, disjointed memories both bad and worse and also called home by the devil himself.
The young man had heard of this place through the stories told by his now absent father as an attempt to keep the young man on the straight, narrow and pebbled 'great things ahead highstreet'.
It became apparent to the young man, that the decision he had just made would appear to be walking hand in hand with a large woman named 'Repercussions', a woman not known for her soft side or touch and more for her stern words and world war 1 esc torture routines.

This story was, and still is very autobiographical.

For now…Richard

Ten Things I learnt In The Library-By Dirk K Slazenger

Morning,

Today I have been to my local library. Here are the ten things I learnt, in alphabetical order.

1. Disabled people have smaller brains than normal people. This same rule applies for Chinese people and Jews.

2. Tampons were invented in 1978.

3. The first man to walk on grass was charged £180 and spent a fortnight behind bars. He later released a book detailing his ordeal called "Keep Off The Grass: One Mans Pain". In 1907 he commit suicide.

4. 97% of Wednesdays are sunny.

5. 8% of Tuesdays are cancelled.

6. Crisps are regarded as an unsatisfactory snack by most people.

7. Earwax can be used as cooking oil, and in Wales is considered to be a tasty dessert.

8. My arse is 67% hair.

9. The first beard was discovered in 1925 after a homeless man forgot to shave one summer. He later forged a successful singing career under the name Harmonica Jack but died suddenly in his sleep once.

10. The first man to suffer from diarrhoea confused it as soup. He tinned it and gave it the name 'Oxtail' as this was the nickname he gave his bottom. His willy he called Paul.

Ten Things I learnt In The Library-By Dirk K Slazenger

Morning,

Today I have been to my local library. Here are the ten things I learnt, in alphabetical order.

1. Disabled people have smaller brains than normal people. This same rule applies for Chinese people and Jews.

2. Tampons were invented in 1978.

3. The first man to walk on grass was charged £180 and spent a fortnight behind bars. He later released a book detailing his ordeal called "Keep Off The Grass: One Mans Pain". In 1907 he commit suicide.

4. 97% of Wednesdays are sunny.

5. 8% of Tuesdays are cancelled.

6. Crisps are regarded as an unsatisfactory snack by most people.

7. Earwax can be used as cooking oil, and in Wales is considered to be a tasty dessert.

8. My arse is 67% hair.

9. The first beard was discovered in 1925 after a homeless man forgot to shave one summer. He later forged a successful singing career under the name Harmonica Jack but died suddenly in his sleep once.

10. The first man to suffer from diarrhoea confused it as soup. He tinned it and gave it the name 'Oxtail' as this was the nickname he gave his bottom. His willy he called Paul.

Edward and the Cake Party Part III

Arriving at the cake party, Edward wasted no time in introducing himself to everyone. He then passed around a small factual quiz for everyone, to see how much they remembered about him. The results were not too positive, and to his disbelief he was sure some people had not actually handed the answer sheet in. Not letting this get to him, he carried on going about his business, and tried a few cakes that were on offer. He didn't like the music at the party, or the colour of the walls, so he decided to call it a night.
On his way home, he came across an old badger named Count Reamus, who was very wise, and he spoke of a secret cake which he had to offer, for 45 Euros. At first, Edward didn't want anything to do with this, however, Count Reamus had a story to tell that would change his mind for sure...

To be continued...

SlazengerRuminations.com

Hello,

Here are five of the inventions I have discovered this week. Available online at www.SlazengerRuminations.com or telephone 07515531314 to order now.

1. String Boat- Like a normal boat but made entirely out of string. Useful for winning boat races due to its aerodynamicness. Can be also used as a large hat in wet or windy conditions.

2. Metal Paper- One sheet is all you'll ever need. Used exactly like conventional paper, the difference being, nothing can be erased. Perfect for people who are often getting work written on. RRP Only £300.

3. Dunga-rees- Trousers designed by, made by, sold by and repaired by former Brazilian World Cup winner Dunga.

4. Elephant Juice- Brand New drinks range. Ingrediants- Elephant sweat,water,fruit juice,sugar,bicarbonate of soda. Only £4.99

5. Edible Condoms- For the city gent who is too busy to lunch. Carry this simple device in your wallet each day for when hunger strikes. Using a forefinger and a thumb simply roll over tongue and swallow. Flavours include-Branston Pickle, Steak 'n' Kidney, Bourbon Biscuit and Radish. (Not suitable for using during intercourse)

dont listen to that man, its a post-box.

I am about to guide you precariously toward a bright light, a light that is hazed by my half-shut or half-open (depending on your take on life) eyes as a direct result of a life consisting of high alcohol consumption and more recently crime.
Now close your eyes and let the bright light morph into the form of a young man destined for great things, with a backpack full to the brim with potential and ambition hunkered high upon the young mans overdeveloped back. See him about to enter the adequately named 'great things ahead highstreet'...

Stay tuned for a further insight into the young mans life…hold on tight it is going to be a bumpy ride.

For now…Richard

Crumb and Bass

Today, whilst on my ordinary travels, I stumbled across a new genre of music. Once explained it appears quite simple, and I predict big things in the future.

Crumb and Bass: Bass orientated music, characterized by the sound of crumbling biscuits amplified through a mic. The bigger the biscuit, the heavier the music. It originates from Drum and Bass, and was accidentally discovered by Biscuit Bonnie, who was found in her room at 6am eating biscuits unnaturally loud whilst listening to The Prodigy.

Unaware Adam.

This is a short story about Adam Vinesforlegs Shitfuckwankdick.
People often take the michael out of Adam behind his scrawny, spotty, silver back. The main focus of the jokes are based around the fact that Adam is well known around his home town of Wookey Hole Caves, a small town outside of Somerset, for being very unaware of the repercussions of his own actions and the actions of others around him.
For example Adam decided to take his also very unaware dog, Jeremy Batandball, to the park. Ironically but equally as truthfully the park is called 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park', which as you can only imagine posed a few potential threats for Adam & Jeremy. As the brutal and dramatic story unfolds i would like you to picture Adam and Jeremy walking carelessly through the gates of 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park' thinking nothing of it.
What happens next is said to be the second most disturbing thing to ever happen in Wookey Hole Caves, after the time the notorious bank robbers of 1868 broke into the bakery and stole self expanding flour, only to get it wet during their exit and become stuck to the floor of the bashed in bakery leaving the police with easy arrests.
Back to Adam and Jeremy…Whilst feeding the ducks and allowing Jeremy his '3 and a half minutes off your lead' time, there was a chain of events consisting of rare eagles that carry around large branches-dropping them whenever the wind becomes stronger than 8mph, an old lady practising for her mobility frame sprint race, a horse named Sam jumping into a bush which startled a platypus called Billy who then without thinking headed for safety in the form of the lake that Adam was stood over feeding the ducks. As you probably know when platypus' run for cover or safety they do so using only their distinctly average sense of smell, which catastrophically lead to Billy the platypus ploughing into the back of Adam who was very unaware of the aforementioned antics.

Adam broke both his ankles and never walked again, how unaware of Adam.
Jeremy survived.
The large eagles dropped all of their branches but are all safely wrapped in large foil blankets and being treated at the local RSPB.
The old lady won her mobility frame sprint race and became so famous she opened Wookey Hole Caves's new library with a pair of over-sized scissors.
Sam the horse now lives in the bush.
Billy the platypus was found hanging from a tree in 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park', after he was rumoured to have said 'i can't handle this amount of guilt, i need a whiskey, has anybody got any whiskey? IM FUCKED!'

For now…Richard

Ten Facts About Pancake Day-By Dirk P. Slazenger

Good evening pancake fans,

As Pancake Day is fast approaching, I thought I'd best get the excitement ball rolling with ten facts about Pancake Day.

1. Pancakes were invented by Ralph P. Ricochet in 1934. Ricochet was a former bounty hunter who stumbled across the recipe whilst passing wind.

2. The original recipe differed slightly from the one we use today. Ricochet would add onion juice, mattress sweat and figs to discourage local Indians from stealing the mix.

3. Until 1999 Pancakes were the national dish of China. It was replaced by Swede.

4. One heroic pancake once saved a mans life. Alan Vicker from Whicker was walking his dog when he stumbled into a large pile of sinking sand. Thankfully a discarded pancake was lying nearby and heard Vicker's cries for help, saving his life almost instantly.

5. Sadly the same pancake died in 1978 of AIDS. This is why we hold a minute silence every 16th July.

6. My favorite pancake was when I was 12.

7. In Russia Pancakes are called Vladimir.

8. The Pancake Trade Union(P.T.C) was disbanded in 1812 after an argument over a game of cricket. In the cold summer of 1944 it was reinstated for a week, but people soon forgot about it.

9. Until 1467 Christmas Day was actually known as Pancake Day. People would celebrate the birth of the Pancake with dances, Egg and Spoon races, mass murder and crisps.

10. In the 1990 Pancake Day Festival, a record 250 thousand million people turned up. Naturally it was chaos. The organisers had only planned for 240 thousand million, so had to kill at least 10 thousand million. Unfortunately, someone set fire to a barn and killed everyone instantly. Hence the reason Pancake Day is now celebrated with a barn dance, followed by a massive blaze.

Edward and the Cake Party Part II

Edward awoke the next day with a huge smile on his face, and 7 cheesy rolls under his pillow.
It was the day of the cake party, and he was so excited, like a small mouse. Nobody could ruin his day, and to add to his excitement, he found a shiny gold coin at work, which was rumoured to be worth around €50. Rushing home from work, Edward stopped at the shop on the way home and bought a cowboy hat, and a couple of Twix. Kitted out in his new hat, Edward made his way to the cake party, where he would find out something that would change his life, forever

To be continued... x