TEN THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ON MY OWN.BY DIRK BRADFORD SLAZENGER.

Morning,

here are ten things I have learnt in the last five minutes. All numbered correctly, boots polished, hair combed and ready for inspection.

1. Colonel Lionel Gaddafi was the founder of the beatnik poetry society 'The JimJams'.
2. In Spain, children are often abused.
3. Murderers can be found in Ireland, India and at the end of your road.
4. Chocolate is the national colour of Africa.
5. In 1992 a plantpot arrived at Buckingham palace claiming to be the Russian princess Anastasia. The claims were shot down in flames,with a spokesperson for the royal family saying "the plantpot had no right to be saying these things. It is hurtful and disrespectful. I don't know what he was aiming to achieve saying these things."
6. Croatian women are often confused for dogs, whilst some Portuguese men aren't.
7. Guy Fawkes was a picnic enthusiast, often consuming over four pork pies and scotch eggs per annum.
8. In 1999 a man was taken ill after eating mayonaise. It was later discovered he had eaten duck shit.
9.
10. Diarrhoea is often used as a substitute for gravy in some Yorkshire hotspots.

Sorry about that.


Love Always,
Dirk P Slazenger

I imagine this is falling on deaf and attention lacking ears

Once again i find myself apologising for my own and my accomplices absence, and to keep true to the aforementioned reasons, or lack of i will now try and justify the reasoning for the drying up of the mug of word tea, that has left you, as the readers, with nothing more than a hinderance in the form of a stain on the bottom of your favourite mug.

There are many challenges in life, some more difficult to overcome than others, and others on top of the other others that seem impossible.
Some people comprehend these challenges in different ways, some may say in a different light to others, and other people don't seem to comprehend any sort of challenge at all, more so a task.
(What you have just read was completely irrelevant, i just thought it read amusingly)

UP STEPS THE PUBLIC DEFENDANT:
To cut a tedious and unnecessary story short, I believe that Richard Tugg, should be cleared of all previously mentioned charges, and be freed from the shackles of guilt because he is a genuine and decent bloke and can often be found wearing a pair of blue suede shoes.

COURT ADJOURNED.

As for my partners in crime, quite literally (broke into a greggs once), i am not so sure.
I will let their fait lie in the hands of those rare, but clearly educated minority that waste whats left of their lives reading posts left by three males who don't have a moral compass between them, but do have a compass which always points north which ironically is where the nearest off-license always is.

My deepest and sincerest apologies for our prolonged silence,
I promise, whole heartedly,
that this will almost certainly happen again.

For now though…Richard

The Story of a Man Who Did This Thing Once

A man with skin colour and texture that resembled the leather on the shoe of your local smelly tramp was staggering to the end of his road to collect not his morning paper, but his morning 5th of whiskey.

Each step contain enough effort to move a mountain, as a result draining his flimsy body of all its worth! 

On his return leg having collected the baton from the small asian man on the corner, he bumped into an old acquaintance from school, they began chatting and he invited him back to his house for a drink & a smoke. The old friend obliged and off they went reliving their glory days.

The moral of the story being; keep friends and drink as much as you can, and when the opportunity to clobber both of their beautiful heads at once arises, never let the chance pass. Grasp it firmly as you would do Pamela Andersons breasts (providing she had given you permission, which if you ask nicely I've heard she does).

For now…Richard

The Passing of Yours Truly.

It has come to an end.

With his stomach feeding on the walls of its dearly beloved,
His appetite for further existence nailed to the cross by the unforgiving hands of heartbreak,
Escorted to his early retirement from life by drink & drugs,

This man lead a good life, one of heart break, which is all that can be asked in the modern era.

She doesn't kiss like you, and she never bloody will.

I've spent time inside over the past few days. Not prison, im not that way inclined, but in the confines of my own house, marinating in my own juices. I've discovered a new band, a four piece pop/punk outfit known as ABBA, who are originally from Sweden. Interestingly they have been around since the late 70's, and when I think about it, their sound does have a certain 70's 'vibe' to it. Anyway, I heard one song, the interestingly titled 'The Winner Takes It All'. A song clearly not about winning, as i was led to believe, but about a break up of marriage. Bloody divorce. As I investigated further, I discovered the writer of said track, some fella named John, was married to the singer, who was called Sue, I think. The bloody egotist wrote the song as if it was her writing it about him, lines like "tell me does she kiss, like I used to kiss you" and "I was in your arms, thinking I belonged there" have quite literally broken my heart. Shattered my dreams everywhere. The poor cow. So I don't really like ABBA anymore, im not interested. I'll listen to the occasional ballad every now and then, but if I'm honest, it's not my cup of tea. I hate the 70's and when was the last good thing to come out of Sweden anyway? Sven Goran Erikssen? Fuck off. Ikea? Shit. Thats it. That's all that has come out of Sweden ever. So there you have it. My last four days inside, ending in disappointment, in heart ache, in tragedy. Sorry. Lance x

Benicassim 2012 in as fewer words as possible.

Trips long enough to make you question going.

Bombay Saphire on the plane.

Tom going through customs with Peel's passport.

6hour coach trip.

Jambon stop.

The beach bar.

An outrageous amount of booze.

"nice tits", "Sankyouuuuu"

Joints on the beach.

Secret queues.

Good camping spot.

Unisex showers.

Incredible females.

Incredible friends.

Class A drugs.

Warm Stecklenburgs.

Warm Mahou's.

€3.99 Knebep.

Shit chairs.

Long walks.

The antithon games.

The Ant Arena.

R.I.P Andy Antsworth.

Group harmony singing.

Group harmony DJ'ing.

The golf club (actually go-kart club).

Jamie got robbed.

Peel shit himself.

Harvey pissed himself.

Jackson's chunder dragon.

Sutho climbed half a mountain.

Tom met a 26year old exotic dancer.

Marv looked like a dinosaur.

Good music.

Dangerous punch buckets.

LETS GET SHITFACED. 

Lizards chest.

The previous two years have been a pleasure Festival Internacional de Benicàssim, we may meet again.

can you picture what will be, so limitless and free.

I've just stumbled across the original 10 commandments. It read as follows;

1. Thou shall put his/her thumb up the love of their lives bum so they know that they are your special one!

2. Thou shall drink as much as possible whenever the opportunity presents itself. Do not let an excuse such as a lack of funding stop you.

3. Thou shall behave as irresponsibly and unsociably as humanly possible whilst returning from a night out.

4. Thou shall dance till the music stops, no exceptions.

5. Children must be bought up on vietnam war films and vietnam war films only, no disney!

6. Thou shall absorb information presented by bear grylls in the same fashion a sponge absorbs a liquid.

7. Thou shall kill justin beiber, nick minaj and ed sheeran.

8. Thou shall use correct and proper English at all times, no exceptions.

9. Thou shall wear a full, tailored suit all day every day.

10. Thou shall have a laugh.

the lost generation

Paul was a bionic man, with the strength of an ox and tears that could melt metal.

Paul tried to love, but his metal heart refused his every plea.

Paul skirted around the idea of love, trying to find a way to concur with his ruthless heart.

Paul became lonely, as a man, bionic or not, can not receive emotion when unable to produce it. 

Paul met a woman who warmed his steel heart like an iron in a furness. 

Paul's heart began to melt.

Paul's heart began to cool.

Pauls heart broke as a result of the sudden cooling.

Paul's steel heart was right all along.

Paul should have listened to his steel heart.

The moral of the story is that its a long road to ruin, plot your path careful to avoid distractions.