Fernando

Little Fernando lived in the woods, and he would often touch the trees and call them his friends. Fifteen million trees, all alive at once began to sing his name, and he could hear their blissful clamor floating in the wind. Arms outstretched, Fernando knew it was time for change, and set off into the night to find the commodity that he had left behind in his scrutiny. x

The Barrymore Return continued...

Throughout the day of the party, Al spent the majority of his day 'away with the fairies'…no he wasn't mentally vacant, he was in a brothel playing around with men dressed as fairies.
Once Alphonse had returned home, with a smile on his face and a sore bottom he turned his attention to the  party, and his choice of outfit.
After sitting with his legs crossed and his arms above his head for 5minutes it came to him, in the same fashion that one of the fairies had done earlier on in the day. Al jumped up from his seat and was quickly and painfully reminded of the days earlier activities, and as a result had to hobble to his sleeping quarters where he would pick out his sharpest and finest cut three piece suit and matching trilby.
Advancing down Michael Barrymore's driveway he was confronted by a man asking if he was the delivery man with his arm bands as he couldn't go in the pool with out them…Alphonse realising the mans desperation apologised sincerely and proceeded to the front door where he was met by Michael who had a huge grin on his face and a drink in each hand.
The night went on, the alcohol flowed and the women undressed just as Michael had promised.
Alphonse woke the next morning as the thorn between two beautiful roses. Al slipped out of the bed and stumbled out to his balcony which over looked the pool and the location of a majority of the parties explicit antics. Glancing down he saw a body like shape face down in the pool! The sight quickly sobered Al, he turned and began to sprint down to the pool, on arrival the body began to move, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Al scream, it turned out that it was the spanish boy that Michael pays to clean the pool using only his mouth.

Alphonse had a brilliant night, bedded two extremely attractive women and is still friends with Michael Barrymore to this day regardless of the fact that the spanish pool cleaner didnt roll over after the next pool party.

Like the Rovers Return from Coronation Street, but this is The Barrymore's Return.

It was the clubbing upon the weather beaten and dishevelled front door, which woke Alphonse. Alphonse was a prim & proper gentleman, dressing mainly in tailored suits accompanied with a matching trilby. Without an ounce of urgency Alphonse arose from his single bed and began stumbling in the general direction of his front door. Upon opening the door a fierce flooding of natural light filled both Al's hall and eyes. Rubbing his sun stunned mince pie's, Alphonse began to familiarise himself with the colourless shadow stood imposingly on his door step, to his shock there stood the long lost T.V star Michael Barrymore. Michael had tracked down Alphonse with the intention of inviting him to one of his notorious house/pool parties. Michael enticed Al into attending his party by making him aware of the amount of attractive and semi-naked females that would also be attending, and the opportunity to combine these women with the finest bourbon. Still slightly disillusioned as a result of both his rude awakening and the sudden change in the size of his retina's, Alphonse agreed to attend Michael's party. Quoting his close friend George Michael, Barrymore turned and sang "Club Barrymore's Drinks are free, fun and sunshine there's enough for everyone".

Stayed tuned to find out what happens at the highly anticipated Club Barrymore party…

For now…Richard

The Last Ever Ten Things- By Dirk SS Slazenger

Morning,

Today is a sad day. Not only is it a year since the loss of my snake, but I have been banned from my local library, asked never to return again. Apparently my bicycle was deemed inappropriate and offensive by the proprietors. So, for one night only, is an article entitled "The Last Ever Ten Things". I would like to thank my followers for their constant support, I will be back one day in the near future.

1. The well known 'Catchphrase' participant Mr Chips was a well known gang member, and was linked to the murders of Tupac Shakur and Princess Diana.

2. Feet were discovered in 1287 after a running race.

3. Lightbulbs are manufactured in Israel.

4. The name Nigel was invented by men in 1990. Using cucumber, cumin, salad cream and rice they also invented curry.

5. 'Red Dwarf' star Craig Charles suffers from AIDS.

6. The term 'writer' refers to someone who cannot obtain employment. Other synonyms include 'actor', 'musician' and 'paedophile'.

7. Doncaster was the original birth of Jesus.

8. In a recent poll, 98% of people agreed that Chinese people are disgusting.

9. As a boy Adolf Hitler was described as 'charming', 'attractive' and 'whimsical'. It is rumored the 1966 film 'Alfie' was based on Hitlers early life.

10. Pizza is often confused for cheese on toast.

Thankyou for reading. We'll meet again, don't know when, don't know where.

D
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X

Squirrels and Raisins

What sound does a tree make when it falls, and nobody is around.
What sound does a tree make when it's not falling, and everyone is watching.
The lonely squirrel knows the answer, but never should he be prompted by such questions.
Or never should we approach the lonely squirrel, as his story has more pages than most books.
It was a fine day on the coast when it happened, and nobody could believe what they saw.
Not once was the incident spoken about, and not a day has passed where it hasn't been thought about.
The waves were strong, and the rain was hard, but none of these left them scarred.
Spare thoughts for those who know, and keep hidden from those who don't.
The lonely squirrel will appear, when the time is right. We will know then, we will know.

A list of things to do when there is nothing better to do, i haven't put a specific number of 'things' there will be in this list as i am unsure myself.

When I don't have anything to do, I recall this list of activities that was passed down to me from my great great grandad via. the family dog who's name was david.

1. Try as hard as you can to hold yourself up in a seated position by pulling upwards with your hands from underneath your buttocks, try and counteract the force of gravity pulling you to the ground. My great great grandad mentioned that he once saw a man in Serbia do this…he also mentioned that he could have just been sat on a see-through chair.

2. Go into your nearest tube/underground/train station and begin to busk. Play an array of appalling songs and accompany them with equally atrocious James Blunt esc. vocals. If you are successful enough to receive any charity from the passers by, immediately pick up the coins, throw them back at the giver and shout in your most ironic voice "I DON'T WANT YOUR CHARITY".

3. Smash your house up.

4. When nearing completion of masturbation, quickly jump to your feet and see how far you can run with the wobbly knee's that come hand in hand with a male orgasm. I managed 186metres once, and still stands as the furthest 'wank run' completed by a non-pornstar. (I realise this could be slightly sexist towards women, so on the flip side women get yourself to the heightened state and quickly jump to your feet and see how many plates you can wash up).

5. Write a rap song and send it to 50cent or Jay Z, and tell them in a straight to the point yet most polite fashion that if they don't sign you to their label you will not hesitate to start spreading rumours that all their material was actually written by Daniel Bedingfield.

6. Drink as much as you can and ring up ex-girlfriends/lovers and declare your love to them. This is not the main event of this activity, no no nooo, this is only the warm up. The main event will start the day after around 1ish when you have to start digging your way out of the holes you got yourself into the previous night. "sorry baby, i was sooo drunk" is not a valid or acceptable excuse. USE YOUR BRAINS, THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE THEM TO US!

7. Go into a posh restaurant, order their finest steak cooked medium to rare. On arrival ask for some french mustard and a small helping on tartare sauce, eat the fat from the steak and immediately get up and leave.

I hope these few simple activities help pull you through the torrid times of boredom through to the narnia like times of being constantly active in your local community.

For now…Richard

Seven Point Three Facts. By Dirk 8 Slazenger.

Good morning,

The library closed late tonight, so instead of going out, I spent nine hours researching facts for this article. It is called 7.3 facts.

1. Paddington Bear was a registered sex offender.

2. In total, three hundred and sixty five billion people have been murdered since the creation of Earth in 1269.

3. Mayonnaise was discovered by Sir Alfred Contemplate in 1708 after the evolution of eggs.

4. Pencils can be sharpened 52 times. Further sharpening can become hazardous.

5. In Norwich, approximately £6,000 is spent each year on plasters.

6. Pastry kings Ginsters were established in 1908. The name Ginsters derived from the founder Jim Star, who unfortunately due to a speech impediment could not pronounce his own name.

7. Soil is created using flour, egg white, egg yolk, cranberry juice, food colouring, sweat, bicarbonate of soda, cricket pads, gypsy's tears, concrete and bile.

.3. In 1998 a man was.

Thanks for reading.
D
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