Unfortunate Colin.

This is a story about Colin Mitherwalks. Colin lives in a small village outside of Cleethorpes called Ashby cum Fenby.
It was a warm summers day with the evening sun offering its last ounce of warmth and light to the side of Colin's face while he endured the heat and tough suspension on the bus ride home, when Unfortunate Colin's allergies to pollen became apparent. This may seem like a small hiccup to Colin's journey home…but what follows is tragic! Colin began to sneeze vigorously, again this may not seem too important, but what i failed to mention earlier is that each of Colin's sneeze's sounds like a different curse. As Colin's repeated and increasingly loud sneezes continued the people sat around him on the X18 bus began to become offended. Enter Angry Andy who boarded the X18 after a stressful day at work which ended with Andy spilling soup on his favourite tie, resulting in Andy being literally red in the face and blue in the penis! Andy clocked Colin's sneezing/cursing immediately and took offence without any thought or question. Andy pounced on Colin as though he was a helpless young adolescent Gazelle, and started dealing large, sweeping, clean blows to alternate sides of Colin's swollen face.

Colin died…How UNFORTUNATE!

For now…Richard

Edward and the Cake Party Part I

It was a cold winters afternoon, and Edward had just received a letter from a neighbour, inviting him to their cake party. He had been to all of their cake parties, so he knew what to expect, and wasted no time in responding. Edward loved chocolate cake.
Now thoroughly excited about the prospect of this years cake party, Edward raced around his room looking for a hat to wear.
The following day came faster than expected, because a small Mouse named Stuart had climbed into Edwards clock and accidentally changed the time. Edward was late for work for a week, until he finally realised the clock had been changed. He was not happy in the slightest, so he lit a candle.
It just so happened he had realised his clock dilemma the night before the cake party, leaving him free of time issues prior to the event. Glad of this, Edward went to bed with a smile on his face, and a sock on his ear, anticipating tomorrows cake party.

To be continued... x

Satisfying Things To Do Whilst Bored. By Dirk Z. Slazenger

Good evening.

Since Christmas day I've spent much of my time being bored. In this article I aim to give like minded individuals ideas for entertainment over the New Year.

1. Save a shit for a week.
The feeling of unloading a massive log is quite literally fucking amazing. Wash hands when finished.

2. Look at your own cock.
Looking at ones phallus can be entertaining. Pull the old fella back and make faces with your 'japs eye'. This also goes down a treat at family reunions, funerals and job interviews.

3. Give yourself a 'Ryan Jarman' haircut.
Another gem. The 'bowl cut' as it is more commonly known is probably the worst haircut in the history of haircuts. However, on a cool dude like Ryan Jarman it looks almost alright. Get pissed and do it. I once did. Nearly.

4. Spit on your own carpet.
This works even better if you collate spit in your mouth for approximately ten minutes and then release. Seriously, its like the Thames breaking its banks.

5. Masturbate until spunkless.
An all time favorite really. The aim of the game is to try and wank so much that the final time you come, you don't realise you have ejaculated. Try it with a friend. See who wins.

6. Pretend to be a paedophile.
Hire a white van for the day and sit outside primary schools and see how long it is before the Old Bill are called. If you are on a budget, stand outside said school saying "granny yum yum" and rubbing your thighs. I managed nine minutes once.

7. Ring an ambulance for yourself.
Call 999 claiming to have either, been shot/had heart attack/been raped. When the ambulance is nearby run away. Try with police/fire brigade. It's a proper hoot.

8. Eat a whole leg of lamb.
Buy a leg of lamb. Cook it. Put in between two slices of bread. Cover with sauce of choice. Eat.

9. Pretend to be disabled.
Probably not good to imitate Down Syndrome or Alzheimer's, but create your own. Illnesses such as Wet Foot, Ketlegs and ME always go down a treat.

10. Murder your own pets.
For example, strangle the family dog. When father arrives home and demands to know what the hell has happened, claim to have been in a deep sleep for the past three days. Nobody will ever know it was you. When this gets boring, move onto the elderly.

Yours,

Dirk x

Daniel Marsin

You need to be careful what music you listen to when you are ill, because it will encode those songs with a secret ingredient that will instantly trigger a reaction in your mind when you listen to them again, causing negative flashbacks to occur. This will then damage your opinion of the song(s), and widen your memory of the whole illness experience.
This theory also works when in an emotional state, or when you're on a tanning bed.

Merry Christmas! x

thats that then!

christmas wanks are the best wanks.

Ted the Frog Part III

Ted's books never sold because he forgot to put words in them, so yet again he put his thoughts elsewhere, this time into a small box which blew away in a sudden gust of wind that had brewed from a Russian town.
Ted, oblivious to everything, instantly became obsolete, and was taken by a passing Hawk who went by the name of Master Hawk Chief II.
The Hawk took good care of Ted, feeding him salted nuts every Thursday, and taking him for regular walks around the area. However one day, a small moustached man disguised as a lamp post, stole Ted from the Hawks nest, and neither Ted or Master Hawk Chief II were seen again.

Not every story has a happy ending. x

Ten Things To Do On Christmas Day- By Dirk S Slazenger

1. Confidently piss the bed the night before. It's bound to make everyone laugh.

2. Open presents that aren't yours and then describe them. I tend to use words such as 'rubbish', 'lazy', 'derivative' 'poor'.

3. Shit yourself as the turkey is being passed around.

4. Tell your family how many people you have slept with since last Christmas. If you haven't slept with anyone, describe your last wank.

5. Set fire to the Christmas tree.

6. Buy younger siblings inappropriate gifts. I myself prefer BB guns, whiskey, or prostitutes.

7. Ask to be excused from the dinner table, claiming an urge to use the bathroom. Once inside, masturbate whilst looking at yourself in your new Christmas clothes.

8. Polish off at least a bottle of whiskey and claim to have taken 8 paracetamol, instantly earning you a ride in an ambulance.

9. Make yourself sick.

10. Tell any younger family members Santa is real, but fucks children.

Ten Things To Do On Christmas Day- By Dirk S Slazenger

1. Confidently piss the bed the night before. It's bound to make everyone laugh.

2. Open presents that aren't yours and then describe them. I tend to use words such as 'rubbish', 'lazy', 'derivative' 'poor'.

3. Shit yourself as the turkey is being passed around.

4. Tell your family how many people you have slept with since last Christmas. If you haven't slept with anyone, describe your last wank.

5. Set fire to the Christmas tree.

6. Buy younger siblings inappropriate gifts. I myself prefer BB guns, whiskey, or prostitutes.

7. Ask to be excused from the dinner table, claiming an urge to use the bathroom. Once inside, masturbate whilst looking at yourself in your new Christmas clothes.

8. Polish off at least a bottle of whiskey and claim to have taken 8 paracetamol, instantly earning you a ride in an ambulance.

9. Make yourself sick.

10. Tell any younger family members Santa is real, but fucks children.

The Writing's On The Wall

Hello.

Massive apologies for my tardiness in blogging recently, I had a triple heart bypass nine days ago. This week I have thought about films. I like films. Here without further adieu is an article entitled "The Writing's On The Wall" in which I shall aim to find the hidden meanings in films. Clever ey?

1. 'The Social Network'- Cunt sets up website, fucks everyone over, becomes rich cunt.

2. 'The Jungle Book'- An old bear befriends a little boy who wears a skirt. They go around singing songs of wisdom, until the boy dies in a car crash.

3. 'Shawshank Redemption'- A black man makes friends with a white man. They fight gay men because they hate them. Due to their actions two old men commit suicide.

4. 'Mean Girls'- Don't be a bitch if you are actually quite nice and always look both ways before crossing.

5. 'Sweeney Todd'- Don't eat pies or get haircuts from Johnny Depp.

6. 'Philadelphia' Don't be gay. You will get AIDS and die.

7. 'The Silence Of The Lambs'- Stick your cock between your legs. Its a real hoot. Show it to mournful passers by, or your Granny over Sunday Lunch.

8. 'The Butterfly Effect'- If you ever have the chance to change one part of your life, go back to when still in your Mummy's tummy and commit suicide. Its for the best.

9. 'The Usual Suspects'- It's always the fucking spastics.

10. 'Goodfellas'- Don't shoot Billy Batts, always listen to Paulie, and for goodness sake be strong.

So there you go, just goes to show, films aren't always what we think. Behind all of them is always a message, some racist, some homophobic, and some just downright rude.

look at that big fat bird…oh its an eagle!

The form of liquid that we MEN all know so well, and are all such close friends with…beer was created by accident, but not an accident that Mr. Rudy Mickelthwaite the man we all pay our debts in the form of hangovers and lost days to, will report to that accident emergency company where the big fat chick slips on her arse in the advert.
This is an accident that is on par with the creation of the world (which God created when he was high as fuck).
Mr. Rudy Mickelthwaite, jim-bob to his friends, stevey-lad to his close friends, bobby-poo's to his parents and lawrence the rapist to the women, created beer when he was at work in a garage, fixing a penny-farthing bicycle when his friend handed him a can of WD40 and dared Rudy to drink the can of WD40 for £40, ironic i know. Rudy being the daring daredevil (ironic i know) accepted the challenge, but when his friend turned his back, filled the can with some lemonade. Rudy then proceeded to consume the contents of the can, and immediately became stiff in the male region as he realised he had just created a fluid that will change the lives of many people.

Thankyou Rudy, i am constantly in your debt.

For now…Dick

Ted the Frog Part II

It wasn't long before Ted found his new home, so he balanced his bags on his head and trained to become an astronaut.
Not long into his training he found what appeared to be a watch, which didn't tell the time. He couldn't work it out.
After a while he decided being a frog was holding him back from space travel, so he turned his interests elsewhere, and started to write books about a Panther named Corduroy, or Roy for short. The books are available online.

... to be continued x

Look how still that dogs is standing, oh its a statue.

There once was a little horse named Jimmy,
someone pulled his maine,
and he let out an almighty winnie.

His owner patted him on the head,
then said sorry and went back to bed,
while the poor bloody horse got shoved back in the shed.

The next morning the horse awoke,
and went outside for a smoke,
a man jumped of out a bush and gave him a poke,
they became good mates and ended up going for a coke…in Stoke!

For now…Dick

Ted the Frog Part I

There was once a small frog named Ted, who through no fault of his own, had no friends.
He lived in a small pond on the outskirts of Cotesbatch, where no other frogs lived.
He was often found floating around on a Twix wrapper, listening to Fleetwood Mac.
When the sun shined, Ted enjoyed chasing rabbits into is pond where he would watch them drown, then rescue them and offer them tea and biscuits, which he had stolen from the farmer.
One day, Ted decided it was time to leave his pond, so he packed his bags full of tinsel, and set out to find a new pond.

... to be continued x

What a lovely cloud, oh its a hot air balloon.

your not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

For now…Dick

Rudolf Sigmund

A wise man once said, "A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top."
He was talking about himself. x

Ten Things You Thought Were False But Are Actually True. By Dirk Slazenger.

10 Things you thought were false but are actually true.

1. Bill Crosby was the world's first black man.

2. The popular nursery rhyme 'Humpty Dumpty' was actually written about a paedophile called Humphrey Dumfries, who due to a speech impediment could not pronounce his name properly.

3. Coca Cola used to contain cocaine. Fanta had traces of heroin.

4. In 1765 a man invented soup using sea air, pepper, excitement and radish. He called it 'soup' because of the sound you made whilst eating it.

5. James Bond was a homosexual.

6. In 1972 the worlds first beard was discovered on a man. Previous to this people shaved four times a day to prevent illnesses, such as AIDS.

7. In 1973 a man cut himself shaving, immediately contracting AIDS.

8. Scooby Doo was actually 'Jack the Ripper'. Doo had a massive disliking for prostitutes after a bungled attempt to befriend one.

9. The famous Kinks song 'All Day And All Of The Night' was written when Ray Davies stayed awake for a mammoth 24 hours. He was later hospitalised.

10. The Oasis anthem 'Wonderwall' was written about a wall in Manchester known as the 'GloryWall'. Inserted into the wall was a hole for gaining sex acts from other like minded people. Originally the song was called 'GloryWall', but record producers rejected this title claiming it to be "lazy and derivative".

Przełom

Those monkeys over there, look at them, what do you think they are saying. One will never know, bananas.
Imagine their faces in the winter, slightly cooler, perhaps crisp. Someone get them a blanket.
The best monkey had his day, and threw it all away. It's time for something different now.
As the sun sets, an opportunity rises. Do it now before they see. x

Bloody hell, that looks just like Susan Boyle…oh it is!

It is a well known fact, well not too well known because i don't think anyone apart from myself knows this…but there are 3 things that frustrate Dodo's more than anything, these are:

1. No-one makes shoes that fit them…so selfish, on our behalf if you think about it.

2. They can't eat fajita's because they encounter real difficulty rolling the wraps once getting all the ingredients inside.

3. People think that they are extinct, that is false information. Really they are all just having a gigantic party in the Brazilian capital Rio De Janeiro.

For now…Dick

Scally Wag.

It has been said that the quest for 'treasure' that pirates embarked on all those years, and stories, and more recently…films ago actually started off with a handful of men in a small rowing boat, taking it in turns with the oars, looking for some toilet paper.

When Will I Be Loved

Countless times has the Panda been alone, with nothing but a stick of bamboo and a boulder.
Wandering the forest solo, his own thoughts his only friend.
His desire to meet another species just like him burns within, like a fire in a fireplace.
Listening to the sound of the trees rustling, he whispers alone to himself;
"Oh Amanda, it's been far too long." x

Oooooh Saucy Saucy!

My Favorite Sauces. By Dirk L Slazenger

1. Barbecue Sauce. An absolute classic as far as i'm concerned, it goes with absolutely everything. Even porridge.

2. Mayonnaise. Lovely stuff. Again I could eat it with most things, especially chips.

3. Reggae Reggae sauce. Good effort from old Levi Roots (if that is his real name, I'm not convinced) but more of an acquired taste. Some say it tastes like spicy HP Brown sauce. I tend to agree with them.

4. Chilli Sauce. Essential on any kebab. Although I had some once and it literally blew my fucking head off. And I shat for days.

5. Raita. Lovely on curry. Actually, i'd say that's all you can have it with. I tried it on a Sunday Roast once. Mother went ape shit.

6. Tomato Ketchup. Old Tommy K is a good friend, in my youth I would eat it in what i'd call a "Tomato Sauce Sandwich". Yep that's it. Sauce and bread. Ace. I once heard someone refer to it as 'Red Sauce'. I knocked him to the ground and refused to let him breathe until he apologised. Still makes me angry now.

7. Curry Sauce. A controversial one, as I've never actually seen it bottled. But it is nice with chips. The end.

The Shit List

1. Brown Sauce. I used to be partial to the stuff, especially on bacon sandwiches. But i've since found Tommy K is just as good, if not better. This means Brown Sauce has been relegated to the Nig-Nog League.

P.S thats not a racial slur, they used to call it that.

2. Curry Sauce with Sultanas. Fucking disgusting. If i wanted fruit in it I'd ask for it, don't apologise, just don't do it again.

3. Salad Cream. Essentially, a poor mans mayonaise. I heard that in 1612, a man asked for mayonnaise on his burger. He was informed they had sold out. He showed his disappointment using the form of dance and was then told they would find a suitable replacement. He agreed this was a fair compromise and would not burn the burger stand to the ground, as was promised. Using a mixture of spit, old fruit, cream and anger she created Salad Cream. The end.

Some say its too small, others say it fits in just right!

I will now shine the light of reality, like they do in the films, through your disillusioned, half opened, conjunctivitis gunk covered, eyes to the real miscreant, devious playboy that Jesus really was. Here is a list of some of his most famous and unlawful (if the law was created then, i'm not too sure) acts, i do know more, but i want to keep a few for myself.


1. It has been rumoured that the reason for Eve taking the apple off of the tree was that she needed something to bite down on whilst Jesus gave her a right old seeing too. Don't tell Adam. 


2. Jesus liked to play a practical joke on his group of 12 mates, also known as the Disciples, where he would cut up their sandals so that when they put them on it the morning, their feet would go straight through the ends. He liked to call this, 'Cuttius Of Thy Sandalsius'.


3. Thirdly, Jesus could be found every thursday, in the hour of 6.00pm-7.00pm also know 'Thy Happiest Of Hours' in the world renowned night club 'The Oddly Bright Star', where he would challenge the strongest men in the club to an arm wrestle, but with their beards. Losers would pay for the next round of drinks.


4. Jesus was said to have been found by many of his lovers masturbating, using his beard…Turns out that the beard wasn't just for the 'Rolling Stone' cover he did.


5. Jesus had this statement tattooed on his back, and it is said that he will not stop until he has completed his ambition. 'I have two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry, the other is to sleep with every woman on earth.'


6. Jesus was often found after a night out with his 12 disciples, in the back garden of peoples houses, moving ornaments and potted plants around, just to be a nuisance. 


7. Another of Jesus's favour practical jokes to play of his disciples, was to make their favourite gown's into crotchless gown's. This was called 'Crotching Of Thy Mates Gown's'.


8. Cheese.


For now…Dick

A Matter of Loaf and Death

A few tips for life to keep you going;

1. Don't listen to the people that tell you things because most of the time they will be wrong.

2. If you're ever struggling to open your eyes, write a song, it really helps.

3. Never eat a sandwich that has been made by anyone called Jim

4. Never play cards with anyone called Jim

5. Never be friends with anyone called Jim

6. Don't call your son Jim

7. You can tell how hard a man is by the distance he can throw an apple, so look out for flying apples.

8. No piece of A4 paper can be folded in half more than 7 times, so don't try it.

9. Chickens can't fly, so don't try and make them. However the longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

10. Cheese

Tarragona International Fireworks Displays Competition

Polar bears love table tennis. x

Found this round the corner, what you think to it jim?

Last night was possibly THE best night of my life, whether you like it or not i am now going to talk you through it…As i mentioned in my very first post, please take everything i am about to say as seriously as you would when trying to unlock the other island on GTA IV, and do not doubt my own and my dear friends ability to act unsociably.
Firstly we had a treat in the shape of Miles Kane to start, finished of with a small 5 piece band from my home town of Leicester, KASABIAN. Ive been to a few gigs in my time, none better than what i saw, and heard last night…well played lads 9/10.
Secondly we had a tremendous night out, again. Consisting of beers, whiskey, whiskey, a little bit more whiskey, some more whiskey, a tincy wincy bit more whiskey and girls. I successfully chatted up 3 girls at once, and my friends will back that point up, id say get in touch with them, but they have all lost their mobile dog & bones. (just quietly, one said she was a lesbian when i first spoke to her, BUT I BOUGHT HER OVER TO THE DARK SIDE, OF DICK).
Now the fun begins, the walk home. As i mentioned earlier, please take everything i am about to s literally.
To start with me and my three best friends had a decent sized fight, if it were in shoe sizes…it would have been a 6.5uk, and the reason for the fight i hear you chomping at the bit to find out about…a chicken nugget! Just the one, a solitary chicken nugget was the reason for 4 best friends to fight in the middle of a street.
Anyway, being blokes we sat down on a bench, in a park, i cried, said sorry, and we all moved on! NEXT, to the bowling green, the poor bowling green which now is the proud owner of a large poo, yes i did a poo on a bowling green, I JUST DON'T ABIDE BY RULES!
Following this we decided to break into a very posh, and very expensive private schools football pitch, which two of my friends did successfully, simply hopping over the fence, cat-burglar-esc may i add. But while another of my friends was trying to make himself vomit by the side of a main road, i thought the better way to enter this sacred football pitch would be by shoeing the gate in, which i also succeeded in, a long with catching the attention of a few burly police officers. The police thought they could keep up with young, fresh, athletic lads like ourselves, but they were mistaken, even with the help of their very bright torches and intimidating screams we gave the rodgers the slip. As a result of this myself and a fellow companion got very very veryyyyyy lost, causing us to not get home for another 2 hours. We filled those two hours by checking every car door to see if we could get in, and also trying peoples front doors on occasion to see if we could sneak in there. Anyway…my comrade then found a form of transport commonly known as a bicycle, and to put it plainly i wanted the bike, and he fucked off with it. So not to be left out, i spotted my own form of transport in the shape of a young innocent girls pink scooter, left what they thought was safely in their front garden, so much to the surprise and joy of my friend i hurtled up by him on a scooter and we travelled home in style.

That was our night summed up as shortly, and as sweetly as possible. I hope you've enjoyed being part of the 'worlds longest blog post ever since blog posts began, maybe even since writing even began'.
As i said, all of the above truly happened, and if you have any problems with how we conduct ourselves on a night, please feel free to keep it to yourself, as i couldn't give a fuck.

For now…Dick

A bit of one, but the rest is around the corner...

im late to hand work in, i am still drunk, so ill do a full, wholehearted, no shit, don't mess around post when i get home.

For now…Juan

"Things I Learnt When I Was Fifteen" By Dirk Slazenger

Good Morning Vietnam,

Today I have neither learned owt or done anything worthy of reportage. So instead I'll give you an article entitled "Things I learnt when I was 15". Enjoy.

1. In the Philippines people don't wash, instead they pour sweat into a large beaker, which is then mixed with acid, rain water and 7-up. It is then applied to the skin using a moist chamois leather.

2. Jesus Christ's first words were 'balsa wood', after he heard Joseph Christ barking out orders to his workers.

3. In 1346 after a heavy night, several tall men were mistaken for trees and chopped down. Nobody noticed until a man bought some firewood. On returning home he proclaimed "I couldn't believe it! I had firelighters, matches, the lot! Then I opened the wood and all this red stuff fell out. I thought nothing of it until a week later when the police kicked the door in! I've never laughed so much!"

4. In Australia, a box of broken glass is considered to be a lucky and somewhat brilliant gift.

5. Before sex was invented, people would pass the time of day by throwing stones, eating cat litter and running into each other. The latter would become the popular sport Rugby.

6. For a month in the summer of 1836, men had vaginas and women had penises. Some historians believe this period to be called "Fanny Cock Swap".

7. The chair was invented by a woman. Her name is unknown, but some people think she was called Sue.

8. In 1997 a bomb killed 18 men.

9. The inventor of denim, Albert Levi, never wore trousers. He instead preferred skirts, or on special occasions, shorts.

10. In 1065, fisherman Bobby Rascal made plans to raid his local McDonalds. The plan was thwarted by government officials after an anonymous tip-off. Rascal later died, but his widow, Anthony said "Bob would never do that." His name was cleared, and in some countries you can order the McRascal Sandwich in homage to the great man.

Lights make me light headed

Dreaming of a horse on a bridge, menacingly staring into the water with disgust. Oh how the horse wishes he could swim with his friends. Nobody should have to suffer like this. x

It was the morning after the night before and i'm looking like a nose with eyes..

Last night was AMAZING!
We started at home, drinks consisted of stella, miller, jim beam whiskey and coke, polished off at the arrival  of our transport into the city were 3 rounds of cherry shots.
The first bar we arrived at was Bijoux, a club filled to the brim with outrageously attractive women, good music and trebles that might as well be free.
Second bar that we conquered, was empress, this was were memories between us seem to vanish. Drinks consisted of 'Mega Deals', which is 2 X jagerbomb's, and two single vodka and mixers for 5 of your English pounds.
The nights choice of club was Florita's/madame koo's, the events name…WAKIKI! Sounds funky, and indeed it was, as was the choice of dance moves by the lads. I would love to inform you of the choice of beverages consumed, but i do not have a scooby doo what we drank…i do remember drinks in buckets…yes buckets…like the type you would take to the beach.
The nights activities once we finally made it home consisted of being as naked as the moment i popped out my mothers vajayjay. We ran outside, i think someone was urinated on, a lot of marmite was ate, falling down stairs occurred.
Today a joint was rolled while the police were sat in the lounge next door. Im going to smoke a joint now, and hopefully gain some inspiration for possibly another post.
STAY ALERT.

For now…Juan

Aphomia Unicolor

Today I made a huge decision. I decided I am devoting my life to inventing new types of space travel so we can travel to the newly discovered planet Keplar 22-b, where I imagine there are human like inhabitants just like us, but possibly with additions that would help them survive in their habitat. For example, wings. As you can tell I am overly excited and I cannot wait to meet them.
The first thing i'd ask them is where the nearest toilet is, because it's going to take 600 years to get there and I don't know if there will be a toilet on board, but you'd like to think there would be. Then i'd whack out a Dyson and do a bit of hoovering to show off, but i'd have a dust pan and brush at the ready in case the Dyson was a bit too much.
However, being realistic, it's probably made of gas, and we will never gain any more knowledge from it in our lifetime. But planning ahead is better than crashing on Need for Speed on the last corner, so you may as well.
If you have no idea what I was just talking about then enlighten yourself -
Keplar 22-b x

Things I Know- By Dirk Slazenger

Morning sports fans,

After yesterdays debacle, I considered hanging up my pen, and taking an early retirement from the blog writing game. However, you will be delighted to know that I'm not, instead i'll give you a gift in the shape of an article entitled 'Things I Know'.

1. The bike was originally invented by a man called Ralph in 1635, however after a long nights sleep forgot about his invention. A man called Raleigh Edwards then stole the idea in 1839.

2. Mahatma Ghandi changed his surname in the late 60's. It was originally Coat.

3. Mud is made using flour, eggs, treacle and food colouring. It is often served in some Northern restaurants as a starter.

4. The national animal of Ecuador is the Gimp.

5. The popular children's rhyme 'Mary had a little lamb' was written about a girl called Mary who owned a lamb.

6. World War 1 actually started after a man dropped his trousers and revealed his penis, which on the tip had the face of Des Lynam. On hearing this, the normally soft spoken presenter said "If that fucking prick thinks he can get away with that, I'll ram my fist up his fat fucking arse. Cunt." The man refused to remove the drawing, and then there was a fight.

Cheers

Dirk x

i feel sorry for my days...

The title may give you a rough idea what this post is about. It will be a short insight today, as i can't bare to imagine my thoughts falling on deaf ears.
Today i woke up late, and it has set the tone to my disjointed day so far. I have had a subway sandwich, consisting of bread essentially, ham, turkey, cheese, a small helping of onion (don't know why) and some BBQ sauce, very expensive. The onion drove an attractive girl who looked like she went out of her way to get on the metro through the door i was standing near, but the onion could have been one of many potential deterrents, perhaps she didnt find me attractive at all, perhaps she just wanted a bit of my sandwich, finally this could have been an illusion, dominated by my constant, yet never for filled yearn for female affection. Please, give me some affection, hug me, kiss me, perform oral sex on me, even a smile would probably make my day!
Any way looking toward the positive and near future, three of my dearest friends are en route to my place of living, and i plan on piecing my disjointed day aforementioned, using whiskey, and various other alcoholic beverages in quantities that would be suitable for a very large team of sumo wrestlers, as the not so delicate, pritt stick like glue.

For now…Juan

'Fags'

Morning sports fans,

Unforgivably I have learnt nothing new today, so my usual account of 'three things I have learnt today' will be postponed until further notice. "Oh Dirk you rotter!" I hear you cry. Well sorry. However, in it's place with a mighty bold erection shall be a new article titled 'Fags' in which I describe famous gay people with cigarettes up their bums.

1. Stephen Fry- Stephen, or Big Gay Steve to his pals, likes to take the stance of a man lost for breath after a short jog. Inserted up his botty is a lit Camel Smooth. 6/10

2. Freddie Mercury- Old Fred would lie on his back in the 'Alexander Position', belting out rock classics, all the while with a smoking hot Lambert & Butler positioned gently between his anus. 9/10

3. Graham Norton- Apparently Norton tends to smoke his daily 'arse fag' under a moonlit sky, surrounded by quails eggs and random assortments of fruit pastilles. He's quite the connoisseur when it comes to smokes, you could find him with anything from a Marlboro Light to a Cigar. Must try harder. 3/10

4. Sol Campbell- Since leaving Newcastle United this summer, rumor has it, big Sol enjoys nothing more than parading around Gateshead on a trailer being pulled by everyone's favorite D.I.Y merchant Arnold Laver. In between Sol's massive arse is an unlit Mayfair Smooth. Quite good. 7/10

So there you have it, hopefully I will learn something tomorrow, it can only get worse.

Thanks for listening,

Dirk x

Mascot Manor

We meet again. Aragorn, Pizza, Keyboards, Fosters, Porn. That's been my day, however it wasn't real porn, it was an interpretation of porn portrayed by a bunch of actors trying to be funny and that. Zack and Miri Make a Porno, it was a good film. Working backwards, Fosters was the beer I drank, my Keyboard broke then I fixed it, I ate the sickest pizza, and my dream had Aragorn in it. Funnily Aragorn doesn't come up in spellcheck so I assume he is a real man with a big sword. If you run from elephants you won't get away, and you can pay on card in the pub. x

Trouble sleeping.

Yes, I have serious problems…when it comes to sleeping. I have tablets, and i've defeated them. I drink to get myself to sleep, and end up just going out.
Then again I think I should mention the reprobate who lives below me. Who every single night, without fail, will play a collection of music that belongs to someone who has fell from the very top of the 'One Direction, Happy Hardcore, Ed Sheeran, Moves Like Jagger, X Factor  Tree' hitting her head on ever single little branch on the way down.
It will not be long before my immense banging on the floor, will turn to banging on her front door…and then god knows where ill bang after that.

For now… Juan

We welcome you in with open and slightly warm arms.

Why Red Wine Walls? I hear you ask…well when you work it out, let us know, answers on a post-card please.

The thoughts that are posted on this blog are those of a group of thuggish, mindless youths, overpowered by their constant need for excitement. Please take everything we say literally, and do not doubt our ability to behave unsociably.

For now…Juan.

Pleased to meet you...

The newspapers are full of it, it's on my television, and the squirrels just won't give in. What a load of Thomas the Tank Engine. We've made a blog. Nothing new, just an insight into what we know that we don't think you do. Difficult? Let's have a holiday then.
Make yourself at home! x

Three things I have learnt.

Morning sports fans.

Three things I have learnt today. Number one. Dental floss should not be used as shoelaces. It has neither the strength nor the mental capacity to be taken seriously in the shoelace world. Two. Women do not like to be called sluts. It is not very nice. Three. Bolognese should be made using a tomato based sauce and mince. Never should it be bought in a pre made packet, dried to fuck. Add water and leave for fifteen minutes. Fuck that. No one should ever be in a situation to have to eat that. Oliver Twist would have told you where to get off if you offered him that stuff.

Dirk