I imagine this is falling on deaf and attention lacking ears

Once again i find myself apologising for my own and my accomplices absence, and to keep true to the aforementioned reasons, or lack of i will now try and justify the reasoning for the drying up of the mug of word tea, that has left you, as the readers, with nothing more than a hinderance in the form of a stain on the bottom of your favourite mug.

There are many challenges in life, some more difficult to overcome than others, and others on top of the other others that seem impossible.
Some people comprehend these challenges in different ways, some may say in a different light to others, and other people don't seem to comprehend any sort of challenge at all, more so a task.
(What you have just read was completely irrelevant, i just thought it read amusingly)

UP STEPS THE PUBLIC DEFENDANT:
To cut a tedious and unnecessary story short, I believe that Richard Tugg, should be cleared of all previously mentioned charges, and be freed from the shackles of guilt because he is a genuine and decent bloke and can often be found wearing a pair of blue suede shoes.

COURT ADJOURNED.

As for my partners in crime, quite literally (broke into a greggs once), i am not so sure.
I will let their fait lie in the hands of those rare, but clearly educated minority that waste whats left of their lives reading posts left by three males who don't have a moral compass between them, but do have a compass which always points north which ironically is where the nearest off-license always is.

My deepest and sincerest apologies for our prolonged silence,
I promise, whole heartedly,
that this will almost certainly happen again.

For now though…Richard

The Story of a Man Who Did This Thing Once

A man with skin colour and texture that resembled the leather on the shoe of your local smelly tramp was staggering to the end of his road to collect not his morning paper, but his morning 5th of whiskey.

Each step contain enough effort to move a mountain, as a result draining his flimsy body of all its worth! 

On his return leg having collected the baton from the small asian man on the corner, he bumped into an old acquaintance from school, they began chatting and he invited him back to his house for a drink & a smoke. The old friend obliged and off they went reliving their glory days.

The moral of the story being; keep friends and drink as much as you can, and when the opportunity to clobber both of their beautiful heads at once arises, never let the chance pass. Grasp it firmly as you would do Pamela Andersons breasts (providing she had given you permission, which if you ask nicely I've heard she does).

For now…Richard

The Passing of Yours Truly.

It has come to an end.

With his stomach feeding on the walls of its dearly beloved,
His appetite for further existence nailed to the cross by the unforgiving hands of heartbreak,
Escorted to his early retirement from life by drink & drugs,

This man lead a good life, one of heart break, which is all that can be asked in the modern era.

She doesn't kiss like you, and she never bloody will.

I've spent time inside over the past few days. Not prison, im not that way inclined, but in the confines of my own house, marinating in my own juices. I've discovered a new band, a four piece pop/punk outfit known as ABBA, who are originally from Sweden. Interestingly they have been around since the late 70's, and when I think about it, their sound does have a certain 70's 'vibe' to it. Anyway, I heard one song, the interestingly titled 'The Winner Takes It All'. A song clearly not about winning, as i was led to believe, but about a break up of marriage. Bloody divorce. As I investigated further, I discovered the writer of said track, some fella named John, was married to the singer, who was called Sue, I think. The bloody egotist wrote the song as if it was her writing it about him, lines like "tell me does she kiss, like I used to kiss you" and "I was in your arms, thinking I belonged there" have quite literally broken my heart. Shattered my dreams everywhere. The poor cow. So I don't really like ABBA anymore, im not interested. I'll listen to the occasional ballad every now and then, but if I'm honest, it's not my cup of tea. I hate the 70's and when was the last good thing to come out of Sweden anyway? Sven Goran Erikssen? Fuck off. Ikea? Shit. Thats it. That's all that has come out of Sweden ever. So there you have it. My last four days inside, ending in disappointment, in heart ache, in tragedy. Sorry. Lance x

Benicassim 2012 in as fewer words as possible.

Trips long enough to make you question going.

Bombay Saphire on the plane.

Tom going through customs with Peel's passport.

6hour coach trip.

Jambon stop.

The beach bar.

An outrageous amount of booze.

"nice tits", "Sankyouuuuu"

Joints on the beach.

Secret queues.

Good camping spot.

Unisex showers.

Incredible females.

Incredible friends.

Class A drugs.

Warm Stecklenburgs.

Warm Mahou's.

€3.99 Knebep.

Shit chairs.

Long walks.

The antithon games.

The Ant Arena.

R.I.P Andy Antsworth.

Group harmony singing.

Group harmony DJ'ing.

The golf club (actually go-kart club).

Jamie got robbed.

Peel shit himself.

Harvey pissed himself.

Jackson's chunder dragon.

Sutho climbed half a mountain.

Tom met a 26year old exotic dancer.

Marv looked like a dinosaur.

Good music.

Dangerous punch buckets.

LETS GET SHITFACED. 

Lizards chest.

The previous two years have been a pleasure Festival Internacional de Benicàssim, we may meet again.

can you picture what will be, so limitless and free.

I've just stumbled across the original 10 commandments. It read as follows;

1. Thou shall put his/her thumb up the love of their lives bum so they know that they are your special one!

2. Thou shall drink as much as possible whenever the opportunity presents itself. Do not let an excuse such as a lack of funding stop you.

3. Thou shall behave as irresponsibly and unsociably as humanly possible whilst returning from a night out.

4. Thou shall dance till the music stops, no exceptions.

5. Children must be bought up on vietnam war films and vietnam war films only, no disney!

6. Thou shall absorb information presented by bear grylls in the same fashion a sponge absorbs a liquid.

7. Thou shall kill justin beiber, nick minaj and ed sheeran.

8. Thou shall use correct and proper English at all times, no exceptions.

9. Thou shall wear a full, tailored suit all day every day.

10. Thou shall have a laugh.

the lost generation

Paul was a bionic man, with the strength of an ox and tears that could melt metal.

Paul tried to love, but his metal heart refused his every plea.

Paul skirted around the idea of love, trying to find a way to concur with his ruthless heart.

Paul became lonely, as a man, bionic or not, can not receive emotion when unable to produce it. 

Paul met a woman who warmed his steel heart like an iron in a furness. 

Paul's heart began to melt.

Paul's heart began to cool.

Pauls heart broke as a result of the sudden cooling.

Paul's steel heart was right all along.

Paul should have listened to his steel heart.

The moral of the story is that its a long road to ruin, plot your path careful to avoid distractions. 

death sat on my knee and cracked with laughter.

It was a sunny day, an old man with a face textured like a crumpled up crisp packet, breath similar to the smog found escaping factory chimneys and fingers yellow from clutching onto cigarette's since the start of time (ironically in the same fashion he was now grasping for an extension on his poor excuse for a 'life') was sat on his porch paying thought to what he could do with his day. After becoming out of pocket in the 'thought' category he had decided.

He took a stool, and after plenty of contemplating, decided on placing it precariously close to a doctors. The old man found joy and happiness in observing people of the same level of health as himself while suckling on a bottle of cheap whiskey hidden by the brown bag it was wearing as an overcoat. It suddenly began to rain, and after glaring up to the leaking skies the old man tried to refocus his vision back on to the fast and thick flow of diseased people entering and leaving the doctors, only to find it impaired by death perching himself on the old mans lap, with a comforting smile and a touch as soft as I imagine pamela andersons touch to be.

"its time to go" whispered death into the gentleman's ear.

life it was you make it.

Where The Sun Doesn't Shine

Bonnie the badger was afraid of the wind, and had been since he was a baby. Every time the wind blew, his face would turn upside down and his shiny hair would turn a bit crinkly, like a mini cheddar. He loved mini cheddars though, but that didn't counteract with his horrible experience. Leaves would fly past his slightly peculiar ears, and often whisper horrible things, telling him that he looked like a pig. Bonnie hated pigs, so this upset him greatly.

Bonnie now lives with a couple of ducks down the stream, where the wind doesn't blow, and the sun doesn't shine, which is actually where this phrase refers to, and originated from. On hot sunny days (the sun comes out sometimes), Bonnie can be seen swimming in a glass of Pimms, next to the stream, where the other animals share strong looks of discomfort and kuhn-fyoo-zhuhn. He likes that.

Non Compos Mentis

Morning sports fans, In no particular order, ten things that I have learnt tomorrow. 1. Spanish people are disgusting friendly. 2. In Bolton, women and children are considered less worthy than pets. Similarly in Kippax, physical abuse is a well known sport. 3. In 1899 a man named Stuart Potts was born. This was said to be the inspiration for the well known true life story Harry Potter, written by J.R.R Tolkien. 4. In Newcastle a man once found AIDS in his 'Bombay Badboy' Pot Noodle. Other ingredients in Pot Noodle include Rabbit droppings, gypsy tears, carbon dioxide, oil, red hair and communism. 5. Lettuce was invented after a man complained his kebab was too dry. The same procedure was used to create tomato, onion, chilli sauce and garlic mayonnaise. Chips had already being invented, as a friend for pizza. 6. In Japan, overweight babies are drowned at birth. 7. The first man to discover incest was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1677. This man was later knighted after his successful attempt at mating two fried eggs. 8. In a recent poll, 68% of people agreed that actors are the most hated people on earth. Others included: absent Fathers, Joey Essex, rapists and Jews. 9. Fellatio is offered as a reward for good behaviour in most German schools. 10. Karl Marx was black. So there you have it, ten facts straight out the book of facts. Thanks. D.

Its nice to see your face after such a long and painless absence.

Hello,

Apologies for the severe lack of post's over the past few months, i know you guys must have been pulling your hair out asking "WTF ARE THESE GUYS PLAYING AT?!?". But there are valid reasons for the absence of anything interesting, funny or enlightening being posted on here recently…I'm just not going to tell you what those reasons are because it makes us sound and look mysterious!

Anyway, onto the positive and foreseeable future. I would like to mark this post as the beginning of me Richard Tugg, the creator of this wonderful & sacred palace, regathering the bricks and mortar in the form of those words that were so brutally displaced, and rebuilding the original bridge from your sane side of the river, over to our less sane side. Don't fret, return tickets are available.

I have sent word to my fellow 'literature artists' about the reincarnation of the blog via. racing pigeon…so they should be receiving the message pretty soon (those pigeons are quick you know!).

Again, Please forgive me and accept my further apology for making you wait this long for your next fix, but i would appreciate it if you welcomed us back with open and slightly warm arms, in the same fashion that we welcomed you in at the very birth of this sanctuary.

For now, but not for long…Richard Tugg

"I stand corrected" said the man with the orthopaedic shoe.

What is wisdom? How do you achieve the levels of wisdom that equate to people gathering in crowds to listen to you talk about anything, with their jaws slumped open in ore?
Are owls really that wise? I've never seen a group of animals gathered around an owl before, this must be a misconception!
I can imagine that there is a lot of pressure on the small population of people possessing genuine wisdom, a pressure to consistently deliver overwhelming amounts of knowledge without breaking a mental sweat.
Do you have to keep topping up your levels of wisdom, or are the amounts you have sufficient to keep the crowds pleased? How do you top your levels of wisdom up? Do you have to blend in with the crowd, maybe wear a fake moustache and listen to other wise men?
Do you receive an official award from a governing body to congratulate you on becoming wise?

The path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.

Fascination

Can you train yourself to use your unconscious mind and the thoughts that come in partnership with it? I would like to think so as i believe it is the birthday place of your wildest fantasies, the origin of your craziest thoughts and ideas, and the source providing the ingredients to whip together and produce the extravagant thoughts that your conscious mind will hijack and convert into the tedious day to day thoughts that over power and flood our brains.

I am going to attempt to spend whatever spare time I have consciously stimulating and capturing the thoughts of my unconscious mind to create something insanely spontaneous in a form that is not yet clear to me. Its as though i can see the thought…but through frosted glass.

For now…Richard

Someone Find My Serious Face

As easy as it sounds, counting sheep in a conservatory couldn't be harder.
Fitting the woolen bastards in to the glassed enclosure is one thing, but having enough cheerios to fill a bowl is another.
It takes 3 sheep to tame a horse, and one horse to defeat 3 sheep, so is the glass half full or half empty?
We all dream about things, but what if the dream we encounter becomes realer than real, and life itself becomes blurred.
What if when we die, we embark a constant dream, that takes the shape of a lifetime, until we die again, setting foot on another dream.
In reality, what the fuck is reality?

Thanks x

Nine Things by Dirk Wesley Slazenger

Christmas greetings,


1. Excess pubic hair is often given as a Christmas gift to orphans in China.

2. In 1809 a man lost an eye wrestling with a stray kebab. The kebab was later arrested and hanged.

3. Four hundred and seven years ago a horse was found dead. Tests later proved the horse had overdosed on Ketamine.

4. Paedophiles were invented in 1998.

5. Gin is the national drink of India.

6. 8+9=17

7. People with big hands are more likely to die, along with redheads and bricklayers.

8. Residents of Scotland are often considered to be racist alcoholics. This is a common misconception, in actual fact they are all inbred.

9. Elvis Presleys real name was Ralph.

A list of things i jotted down after interviewing a t-rex.

I was wondering along the street, my mind along with the thoughts it was producing away with the fairies. When out the corner of my eye I saw some shady sort of movement down a side street, after allowing the often sobering thought of "should i go down there, i could get hurt" to come and go from my suddenly present mind, I remembered I was smacked off my tits on kettermine. So boldly ket legged on down the secluded side street, only to find a T-rex feasting on the left overs of a doner kebab. I did what any sane man would have done, and said the first thing that came into my mind…"would you mind if I took you for a cup of coffee and asked you a few questions?". I could see the thought process whirring through the giants pea sized brain, but eventually he signalled 'yes' using the universally known signal of a nod of the head and a tip of the hat.
After beginning the interview, I quickly realised that the T-rex wanted to be in charge, so adapted and changed my interviewing style in the way that any world class reporter would have and metaphorically handed the reigns of the interview over to Tyrone (the T-rex) and asked him to tell me a few things about himself. Please see the list below (Please note that these are all genuine quotes);

1. "God gave us these stupid little arms (Tyrone showed me his shockingly small arms) so that we couldn't masturbate and waste our semen as it is like gold-dust in the dinosaur world" I told him I could feel his pain and showed him the area where my penis used to be and explained how I had lost it in a game of tiddlywinks that got a bit out of hand.

2. Tyrone went on to explain that T-rex's were and still are to this day huge (signalled a large amount with his tiny arms) wu-tang clan fans.

3. He made it clear that his favourite pastime was not scaring younger and smaller dinosaurs but actually throwing tree's as far as he could. (This is where the olympic event 'Javelin' originated from)

4. Tyrone claimed that he invented 'coke' by shitting into a puddle, getting his mate Trevor the T-rex to blow bubbles into the puddle and drinking it through the intestines of a dung beetle.

5. Tyrone announced on his departure that all T-rex's all still alive and live in a caravan park in cornwall called 'Iwouldn'tcomeinhereifiwereyou Caravan Park'. They play a lot of swingball and beach bowls to pass time. They are all converted vegetarians as a plea to prove their innocence and lift the bad name they have made for themselves in their previous life's.

To conclude: Tyrone was a lovely T-rex and even offered to pay for our expresso's, but feeling pretty humble in his presence I declined at put them on my credit-card. I agreed a date to go and meet Tyrone's family in Cornwall, and am often in contact Via. text message.


For now…Richard

Rainbows and Scarves

Sitting on a block of stone, arms crossed, the mind well and truly lost.
Nothing around him, but an empty ball of space.
Without a shadow of a doubt, the stone in which he was sat on was the most desirable object, yet the mind in which his worlds are created allows for so much more.
When the eyes are closed, imagination becomes the strongest feeling.
Sat on his horse of steel, Truman rode away into the distance, to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Ten Things I Learnt In Bed-By Dirk Edwardian Slazenger

Affable Holidays.

1. Popular supermarket Asda was invented by Adolf Hitler.
2. Ian Huntley is a huge cricket fan.
3. The first ever fight was in 1876 over a difficult game of draughts.
4. In Turkey, menstruation blood is considered a delicious afternoon snack.
5. The racial slur 'nigger' was coined by Martin Nigger, a Doctor from Reading. Nigger passed away in December 1988, and until 2002, every December was Nigger Appreciation Month.
6. Grass was invented in 1736.
7. Well loved murderer Fred West was the chairman of his local Ale Appreciation Society.
8. In Africa the most overweight man weighs a mere 7 stone.
9. Iranian children are punished using such methods as strangulation, castration, and murder.
10. Popular celebrity chef Ainsley Harriot is a rapist.

Fernando

Little Fernando lived in the woods, and he would often touch the trees and call them his friends. Fifteen million trees, all alive at once began to sing his name, and he could hear their blissful clamor floating in the wind. Arms outstretched, Fernando knew it was time for change, and set off into the night to find the commodity that he had left behind in his scrutiny. x

The Barrymore Return continued...

Throughout the day of the party, Al spent the majority of his day 'away with the fairies'…no he wasn't mentally vacant, he was in a brothel playing around with men dressed as fairies.
Once Alphonse had returned home, with a smile on his face and a sore bottom he turned his attention to the  party, and his choice of outfit.
After sitting with his legs crossed and his arms above his head for 5minutes it came to him, in the same fashion that one of the fairies had done earlier on in the day. Al jumped up from his seat and was quickly and painfully reminded of the days earlier activities, and as a result had to hobble to his sleeping quarters where he would pick out his sharpest and finest cut three piece suit and matching trilby.
Advancing down Michael Barrymore's driveway he was confronted by a man asking if he was the delivery man with his arm bands as he couldn't go in the pool with out them…Alphonse realising the mans desperation apologised sincerely and proceeded to the front door where he was met by Michael who had a huge grin on his face and a drink in each hand.
The night went on, the alcohol flowed and the women undressed just as Michael had promised.
Alphonse woke the next morning as the thorn between two beautiful roses. Al slipped out of the bed and stumbled out to his balcony which over looked the pool and the location of a majority of the parties explicit antics. Glancing down he saw a body like shape face down in the pool! The sight quickly sobered Al, he turned and began to sprint down to the pool, on arrival the body began to move, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Al scream, it turned out that it was the spanish boy that Michael pays to clean the pool using only his mouth.

Alphonse had a brilliant night, bedded two extremely attractive women and is still friends with Michael Barrymore to this day regardless of the fact that the spanish pool cleaner didnt roll over after the next pool party.

Like the Rovers Return from Coronation Street, but this is The Barrymore's Return.

It was the clubbing upon the weather beaten and dishevelled front door, which woke Alphonse. Alphonse was a prim & proper gentleman, dressing mainly in tailored suits accompanied with a matching trilby. Without an ounce of urgency Alphonse arose from his single bed and began stumbling in the general direction of his front door. Upon opening the door a fierce flooding of natural light filled both Al's hall and eyes. Rubbing his sun stunned mince pie's, Alphonse began to familiarise himself with the colourless shadow stood imposingly on his door step, to his shock there stood the long lost T.V star Michael Barrymore. Michael had tracked down Alphonse with the intention of inviting him to one of his notorious house/pool parties. Michael enticed Al into attending his party by making him aware of the amount of attractive and semi-naked females that would also be attending, and the opportunity to combine these women with the finest bourbon. Still slightly disillusioned as a result of both his rude awakening and the sudden change in the size of his retina's, Alphonse agreed to attend Michael's party. Quoting his close friend George Michael, Barrymore turned and sang "Club Barrymore's Drinks are free, fun and sunshine there's enough for everyone".

Stayed tuned to find out what happens at the highly anticipated Club Barrymore party…

For now…Richard

The Last Ever Ten Things- By Dirk SS Slazenger

Morning,

Today is a sad day. Not only is it a year since the loss of my snake, but I have been banned from my local library, asked never to return again. Apparently my bicycle was deemed inappropriate and offensive by the proprietors. So, for one night only, is an article entitled "The Last Ever Ten Things". I would like to thank my followers for their constant support, I will be back one day in the near future.

1. The well known 'Catchphrase' participant Mr Chips was a well known gang member, and was linked to the murders of Tupac Shakur and Princess Diana.

2. Feet were discovered in 1287 after a running race.

3. Lightbulbs are manufactured in Israel.

4. The name Nigel was invented by men in 1990. Using cucumber, cumin, salad cream and rice they also invented curry.

5. 'Red Dwarf' star Craig Charles suffers from AIDS.

6. The term 'writer' refers to someone who cannot obtain employment. Other synonyms include 'actor', 'musician' and 'paedophile'.

7. Doncaster was the original birth of Jesus.

8. In a recent poll, 98% of people agreed that Chinese people are disgusting.

9. As a boy Adolf Hitler was described as 'charming', 'attractive' and 'whimsical'. It is rumored the 1966 film 'Alfie' was based on Hitlers early life.

10. Pizza is often confused for cheese on toast.

Thankyou for reading. We'll meet again, don't know when, don't know where.

D
I
R
K

X

Squirrels and Raisins

What sound does a tree make when it falls, and nobody is around.
What sound does a tree make when it's not falling, and everyone is watching.
The lonely squirrel knows the answer, but never should he be prompted by such questions.
Or never should we approach the lonely squirrel, as his story has more pages than most books.
It was a fine day on the coast when it happened, and nobody could believe what they saw.
Not once was the incident spoken about, and not a day has passed where it hasn't been thought about.
The waves were strong, and the rain was hard, but none of these left them scarred.
Spare thoughts for those who know, and keep hidden from those who don't.
The lonely squirrel will appear, when the time is right. We will know then, we will know.

A list of things to do when there is nothing better to do, i haven't put a specific number of 'things' there will be in this list as i am unsure myself.

When I don't have anything to do, I recall this list of activities that was passed down to me from my great great grandad via. the family dog who's name was david.

1. Try as hard as you can to hold yourself up in a seated position by pulling upwards with your hands from underneath your buttocks, try and counteract the force of gravity pulling you to the ground. My great great grandad mentioned that he once saw a man in Serbia do this…he also mentioned that he could have just been sat on a see-through chair.

2. Go into your nearest tube/underground/train station and begin to busk. Play an array of appalling songs and accompany them with equally atrocious James Blunt esc. vocals. If you are successful enough to receive any charity from the passers by, immediately pick up the coins, throw them back at the giver and shout in your most ironic voice "I DON'T WANT YOUR CHARITY".

3. Smash your house up.

4. When nearing completion of masturbation, quickly jump to your feet and see how far you can run with the wobbly knee's that come hand in hand with a male orgasm. I managed 186metres once, and still stands as the furthest 'wank run' completed by a non-pornstar. (I realise this could be slightly sexist towards women, so on the flip side women get yourself to the heightened state and quickly jump to your feet and see how many plates you can wash up).

5. Write a rap song and send it to 50cent or Jay Z, and tell them in a straight to the point yet most polite fashion that if they don't sign you to their label you will not hesitate to start spreading rumours that all their material was actually written by Daniel Bedingfield.

6. Drink as much as you can and ring up ex-girlfriends/lovers and declare your love to them. This is not the main event of this activity, no no nooo, this is only the warm up. The main event will start the day after around 1ish when you have to start digging your way out of the holes you got yourself into the previous night. "sorry baby, i was sooo drunk" is not a valid or acceptable excuse. USE YOUR BRAINS, THIS IS WHY GOD GAVE THEM TO US!

7. Go into a posh restaurant, order their finest steak cooked medium to rare. On arrival ask for some french mustard and a small helping on tartare sauce, eat the fat from the steak and immediately get up and leave.

I hope these few simple activities help pull you through the torrid times of boredom through to the narnia like times of being constantly active in your local community.

For now…Richard

Seven Point Three Facts. By Dirk 8 Slazenger.

Good morning,

The library closed late tonight, so instead of going out, I spent nine hours researching facts for this article. It is called 7.3 facts.

1. Paddington Bear was a registered sex offender.

2. In total, three hundred and sixty five billion people have been murdered since the creation of Earth in 1269.

3. Mayonnaise was discovered by Sir Alfred Contemplate in 1708 after the evolution of eggs.

4. Pencils can be sharpened 52 times. Further sharpening can become hazardous.

5. In Norwich, approximately £6,000 is spent each year on plasters.

6. Pastry kings Ginsters were established in 1908. The name Ginsters derived from the founder Jim Star, who unfortunately due to a speech impediment could not pronounce his own name.

7. Soil is created using flour, egg white, egg yolk, cranberry juice, food colouring, sweat, bicarbonate of soda, cricket pads, gypsy's tears, concrete and bile.

.3. In 1998 a man was.

Thanks for reading.
D
I
R
K

revealing the truth hidden behind that palm tree over there.

In this post i will air the truth behind 5 of the biggest and most controversial celebrity deaths.

1. Elvis was found dead in his bathroom having apparently died from an cocktail of drugs. This is untrue…the brutal truth is that Elvis was cleaning his teeth, gelling his quiff and having a poo and sadly died of doing too many things at once. CAUSE OF DEATH: MULTI-TAKIUS OVERMAXIUS

2. Michael Jackson's rumoured cause of death was also a drugs overdose. But the real truth is that Michael was bouncing on his bed like the little kid he fucked, i mean like the little kid that he was, and severely twisted his ankle. CAUSE OF DEATH: TWISTUS ANKLIUS

3. Steve Irwin was apparently killed as a result of a stingray's barb through the chest. This isn't true! What really happened was Steve was racing a shark for 8 australian dollars when he did a wee in the water which was against the 'code of the ocean' which ironically pissed the shark off. CAUSE OF DEATH: ANGRYUS SHARKIUS

4. Marilyn Monroe has various conspiracies as to how she passed away. Some say the mafia killed her, others say it was an act ordered by the then president of the USA John F Kennedy to cover up their affair. But the terrible truth is that Marilyn was simply eating a bowl of peanuts…when she was savagely attacked by a land-going squid. CAUSE OF DEATH: SQUIDIUS TO THE FACEIUS

5. Princess Diana's death is possibly the most controversial of all the aforementioned. Apparently her car crash was set up by her own royal family as they didn't like the idea of her marrying someone who isn't a christian. But the once again brutal truth is that the driver was highly under the influence of calpol, and with empty bottles of calpol flooding the footwell of the drivers side of the car it was inevitable that one of the bottles would slide beneath the brake pedal. It was also later bought to the attention of the law by a witness that the driver was hanging out the window of the car screaming "FUCKING WATCHHHHHH THIS!"  CAUSE OF DEATH: CALPOLIOUS OVERMAXIUS

Edward and the Cake Party Part IV

Edward was shocked, as Count Reamus put away his mysterious cake, and began stroking his grizzly chin, which was made of astroturf. Reamus began his story with a small speech about African Whales, and how he once fell in love with one in Barnsley. With this out the way, he told Edward that the cake he possessed in his left oversized pocket, was actually his father.
Edward, who's mind had now been flipped upside down and frisbee'd around the peak district, let out an abnormally high pitched scream, running 70 feet to his left. This was the worst day of his life.

Fin.

The morale of the story is, don't start writing a story about a dick head that goes to a cake party if you haven't thought of an ending. x

Fifteen Facts To Get You Laid On Your First Date. By Dirk W Slazenger

Right. Here are the things I've learnt today. In no particular order.

6. Left handed people are more likely to die.

3. In Spain Dogs are considered more important than women.

1. Water was discovered in May 1877 by a Polish immigrant who was looking for his Mum.

8. Eyes are important for things like driving, looking at stuff and eating.

2. The first haircut ever invented was the comb-over. This was replaced by the mullet, then the beehive and finally the centre parting. Other haircuts such as the front ponytail, mucktop, back parting and the cowshit were dismissed as lazy and derivative.

9. Noel Gallagher is the only Mancunian to earn over £20,000 per annum.

4. Cricket was discovered in 1065 in the same field as football, tennis, rugby and fishing. Golf was discovered in 1980 and nobody knows about basketball.

10. Some people are white, some people are black, some people are yellow, some people are brown and some people are dead.

5. The World Lawn Mowing Competition began in 1937 in Canada. The current record belongs to Mr Edward Syllable who in 2001 mowed 12 lawns in 7 hours.

7. Scarves are the national animal of Indonesia.

11. Men have bigger genitalia than women.

17. In 1990 a man spent four hours admiring a kestrel. On closer inspection the man discovered it was actually a billboard advertising cereal. He retired home having wasted an entire evening.

13. A man named Jesus Christ was once crucified for stealing. People celebrate his life every 5th November with a bonfire.

19. An assault on a wardrobe was once reported in Basingstoke. Passers by claimed that although the wardrobe was innocent, he had been asking for a slamming.

20. Brain tumors are caused by tight hats, long hair and baseball bats.

DIRK.

Following on in the way a carriage follows the engine on a train.

We pick up with the young man starting his journey along 'great things ahead highstreet'. With the straps of his back pack beginning to carve into his shoulders the young man is faced with a sudden decision needed to be made. Either catch the bus entitled 'fuck knows where we're going', or bare the pain of the back pack and stride onwards. The young man, over come with the responsibility and reality of the decision needed to be made panics and flags down the bus in a orderly fashion. Once boarding the bus the young man realises that he is surrounded by people he is far junior to. The adolescent boy takes his seat next to a colourless lady, in her skin colour, hair colour and beige clothing. It doesn't take long for it to become apparent that the decision he had made seemed to be the opposite to the right decision. As he passed the people having what seemed to be immense levels of fun on the side of 'great things ahead highstreet', it was announced abruptly by the also colourless driver of this nightmare on wheels that the next stop was beyond 'great things ahead highstreet'…it was the place of lost souls, disjointed memories both bad and worse and also called home by the devil himself.
The young man had heard of this place through the stories told by his now absent father as an attempt to keep the young man on the straight, narrow and pebbled 'great things ahead highstreet'.
It became apparent to the young man, that the decision he had just made would appear to be walking hand in hand with a large woman named 'Repercussions', a woman not known for her soft side or touch and more for her stern words and world war 1 esc torture routines.

This story was, and still is very autobiographical.

For now…Richard

Ten Things I learnt In The Library-By Dirk K Slazenger

Morning,

Today I have been to my local library. Here are the ten things I learnt, in alphabetical order.

1. Disabled people have smaller brains than normal people. This same rule applies for Chinese people and Jews.

2. Tampons were invented in 1978.

3. The first man to walk on grass was charged £180 and spent a fortnight behind bars. He later released a book detailing his ordeal called "Keep Off The Grass: One Mans Pain". In 1907 he commit suicide.

4. 97% of Wednesdays are sunny.

5. 8% of Tuesdays are cancelled.

6. Crisps are regarded as an unsatisfactory snack by most people.

7. Earwax can be used as cooking oil, and in Wales is considered to be a tasty dessert.

8. My arse is 67% hair.

9. The first beard was discovered in 1925 after a homeless man forgot to shave one summer. He later forged a successful singing career under the name Harmonica Jack but died suddenly in his sleep once.

10. The first man to suffer from diarrhoea confused it as soup. He tinned it and gave it the name 'Oxtail' as this was the nickname he gave his bottom. His willy he called Paul.

Ten Things I learnt In The Library-By Dirk K Slazenger

Morning,

Today I have been to my local library. Here are the ten things I learnt, in alphabetical order.

1. Disabled people have smaller brains than normal people. This same rule applies for Chinese people and Jews.

2. Tampons were invented in 1978.

3. The first man to walk on grass was charged £180 and spent a fortnight behind bars. He later released a book detailing his ordeal called "Keep Off The Grass: One Mans Pain". In 1907 he commit suicide.

4. 97% of Wednesdays are sunny.

5. 8% of Tuesdays are cancelled.

6. Crisps are regarded as an unsatisfactory snack by most people.

7. Earwax can be used as cooking oil, and in Wales is considered to be a tasty dessert.

8. My arse is 67% hair.

9. The first beard was discovered in 1925 after a homeless man forgot to shave one summer. He later forged a successful singing career under the name Harmonica Jack but died suddenly in his sleep once.

10. The first man to suffer from diarrhoea confused it as soup. He tinned it and gave it the name 'Oxtail' as this was the nickname he gave his bottom. His willy he called Paul.

Edward and the Cake Party Part III

Arriving at the cake party, Edward wasted no time in introducing himself to everyone. He then passed around a small factual quiz for everyone, to see how much they remembered about him. The results were not too positive, and to his disbelief he was sure some people had not actually handed the answer sheet in. Not letting this get to him, he carried on going about his business, and tried a few cakes that were on offer. He didn't like the music at the party, or the colour of the walls, so he decided to call it a night.
On his way home, he came across an old badger named Count Reamus, who was very wise, and he spoke of a secret cake which he had to offer, for 45 Euros. At first, Edward didn't want anything to do with this, however, Count Reamus had a story to tell that would change his mind for sure...

To be continued...

SlazengerRuminations.com

Hello,

Here are five of the inventions I have discovered this week. Available online at www.SlazengerRuminations.com or telephone 07515531314 to order now.

1. String Boat- Like a normal boat but made entirely out of string. Useful for winning boat races due to its aerodynamicness. Can be also used as a large hat in wet or windy conditions.

2. Metal Paper- One sheet is all you'll ever need. Used exactly like conventional paper, the difference being, nothing can be erased. Perfect for people who are often getting work written on. RRP Only £300.

3. Dunga-rees- Trousers designed by, made by, sold by and repaired by former Brazilian World Cup winner Dunga.

4. Elephant Juice- Brand New drinks range. Ingrediants- Elephant sweat,water,fruit juice,sugar,bicarbonate of soda. Only £4.99

5. Edible Condoms- For the city gent who is too busy to lunch. Carry this simple device in your wallet each day for when hunger strikes. Using a forefinger and a thumb simply roll over tongue and swallow. Flavours include-Branston Pickle, Steak 'n' Kidney, Bourbon Biscuit and Radish. (Not suitable for using during intercourse)

dont listen to that man, its a post-box.

I am about to guide you precariously toward a bright light, a light that is hazed by my half-shut or half-open (depending on your take on life) eyes as a direct result of a life consisting of high alcohol consumption and more recently crime.
Now close your eyes and let the bright light morph into the form of a young man destined for great things, with a backpack full to the brim with potential and ambition hunkered high upon the young mans overdeveloped back. See him about to enter the adequately named 'great things ahead highstreet'...

Stay tuned for a further insight into the young mans life…hold on tight it is going to be a bumpy ride.

For now…Richard

Crumb and Bass

Today, whilst on my ordinary travels, I stumbled across a new genre of music. Once explained it appears quite simple, and I predict big things in the future.

Crumb and Bass: Bass orientated music, characterized by the sound of crumbling biscuits amplified through a mic. The bigger the biscuit, the heavier the music. It originates from Drum and Bass, and was accidentally discovered by Biscuit Bonnie, who was found in her room at 6am eating biscuits unnaturally loud whilst listening to The Prodigy.

Unaware Adam.

This is a short story about Adam Vinesforlegs Shitfuckwankdick.
People often take the michael out of Adam behind his scrawny, spotty, silver back. The main focus of the jokes are based around the fact that Adam is well known around his home town of Wookey Hole Caves, a small town outside of Somerset, for being very unaware of the repercussions of his own actions and the actions of others around him.
For example Adam decided to take his also very unaware dog, Jeremy Batandball, to the park. Ironically but equally as truthfully the park is called 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park', which as you can only imagine posed a few potential threats for Adam & Jeremy. As the brutal and dramatic story unfolds i would like you to picture Adam and Jeremy walking carelessly through the gates of 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park' thinking nothing of it.
What happens next is said to be the second most disturbing thing to ever happen in Wookey Hole Caves, after the time the notorious bank robbers of 1868 broke into the bakery and stole self expanding flour, only to get it wet during their exit and become stuck to the floor of the bashed in bakery leaving the police with easy arrests.
Back to Adam and Jeremy…Whilst feeding the ducks and allowing Jeremy his '3 and a half minutes off your lead' time, there was a chain of events consisting of rare eagles that carry around large branches-dropping them whenever the wind becomes stronger than 8mph, an old lady practising for her mobility frame sprint race, a horse named Sam jumping into a bush which startled a platypus called Billy who then without thinking headed for safety in the form of the lake that Adam was stood over feeding the ducks. As you probably know when platypus' run for cover or safety they do so using only their distinctly average sense of smell, which catastrophically lead to Billy the platypus ploughing into the back of Adam who was very unaware of the aforementioned antics.

Adam broke both his ankles and never walked again, how unaware of Adam.
Jeremy survived.
The large eagles dropped all of their branches but are all safely wrapped in large foil blankets and being treated at the local RSPB.
The old lady won her mobility frame sprint race and became so famous she opened Wookey Hole Caves's new library with a pair of over-sized scissors.
Sam the horse now lives in the bush.
Billy the platypus was found hanging from a tree in 'Youneedtobeawaretocomeinhere Park', after he was rumoured to have said 'i can't handle this amount of guilt, i need a whiskey, has anybody got any whiskey? IM FUCKED!'

For now…Richard

Ten Facts About Pancake Day-By Dirk P. Slazenger

Good evening pancake fans,

As Pancake Day is fast approaching, I thought I'd best get the excitement ball rolling with ten facts about Pancake Day.

1. Pancakes were invented by Ralph P. Ricochet in 1934. Ricochet was a former bounty hunter who stumbled across the recipe whilst passing wind.

2. The original recipe differed slightly from the one we use today. Ricochet would add onion juice, mattress sweat and figs to discourage local Indians from stealing the mix.

3. Until 1999 Pancakes were the national dish of China. It was replaced by Swede.

4. One heroic pancake once saved a mans life. Alan Vicker from Whicker was walking his dog when he stumbled into a large pile of sinking sand. Thankfully a discarded pancake was lying nearby and heard Vicker's cries for help, saving his life almost instantly.

5. Sadly the same pancake died in 1978 of AIDS. This is why we hold a minute silence every 16th July.

6. My favorite pancake was when I was 12.

7. In Russia Pancakes are called Vladimir.

8. The Pancake Trade Union(P.T.C) was disbanded in 1812 after an argument over a game of cricket. In the cold summer of 1944 it was reinstated for a week, but people soon forgot about it.

9. Until 1467 Christmas Day was actually known as Pancake Day. People would celebrate the birth of the Pancake with dances, Egg and Spoon races, mass murder and crisps.

10. In the 1990 Pancake Day Festival, a record 250 thousand million people turned up. Naturally it was chaos. The organisers had only planned for 240 thousand million, so had to kill at least 10 thousand million. Unfortunately, someone set fire to a barn and killed everyone instantly. Hence the reason Pancake Day is now celebrated with a barn dance, followed by a massive blaze.

Edward and the Cake Party Part II

Edward awoke the next day with a huge smile on his face, and 7 cheesy rolls under his pillow.
It was the day of the cake party, and he was so excited, like a small mouse. Nobody could ruin his day, and to add to his excitement, he found a shiny gold coin at work, which was rumoured to be worth around €50. Rushing home from work, Edward stopped at the shop on the way home and bought a cowboy hat, and a couple of Twix. Kitted out in his new hat, Edward made his way to the cake party, where he would find out something that would change his life, forever

To be continued... x