Satisfying Things To Do Whilst Bored. By Dirk Z. Slazenger

Good evening.

Since Christmas day I've spent much of my time being bored. In this article I aim to give like minded individuals ideas for entertainment over the New Year.

1. Save a shit for a week.
The feeling of unloading a massive log is quite literally fucking amazing. Wash hands when finished.

2. Look at your own cock.
Looking at ones phallus can be entertaining. Pull the old fella back and make faces with your 'japs eye'. This also goes down a treat at family reunions, funerals and job interviews.

3. Give yourself a 'Ryan Jarman' haircut.
Another gem. The 'bowl cut' as it is more commonly known is probably the worst haircut in the history of haircuts. However, on a cool dude like Ryan Jarman it looks almost alright. Get pissed and do it. I once did. Nearly.

4. Spit on your own carpet.
This works even better if you collate spit in your mouth for approximately ten minutes and then release. Seriously, its like the Thames breaking its banks.

5. Masturbate until spunkless.
An all time favorite really. The aim of the game is to try and wank so much that the final time you come, you don't realise you have ejaculated. Try it with a friend. See who wins.

6. Pretend to be a paedophile.
Hire a white van for the day and sit outside primary schools and see how long it is before the Old Bill are called. If you are on a budget, stand outside said school saying "granny yum yum" and rubbing your thighs. I managed nine minutes once.

7. Ring an ambulance for yourself.
Call 999 claiming to have either, been shot/had heart attack/been raped. When the ambulance is nearby run away. Try with police/fire brigade. It's a proper hoot.

8. Eat a whole leg of lamb.
Buy a leg of lamb. Cook it. Put in between two slices of bread. Cover with sauce of choice. Eat.

9. Pretend to be disabled.
Probably not good to imitate Down Syndrome or Alzheimer's, but create your own. Illnesses such as Wet Foot, Ketlegs and ME always go down a treat.

10. Murder your own pets.
For example, strangle the family dog. When father arrives home and demands to know what the hell has happened, claim to have been in a deep sleep for the past three days. Nobody will ever know it was you. When this gets boring, move onto the elderly.

Yours,

Dirk x